MAMA: Adventures in Martial Arts and Motherhood

I have never lied to my daughter. When it comes to life's biggest questions, I have always been pretty straightforward. OK, sometimes I have beat around the bush a little, like when she asked me if Santa was real and I said "Well some people think he is. What do you think?" Or when she asked me if God was real and I said "Well some people think he is. What do you think?" But for the most part, I am honest.  Last night, as I was tucking her in to bed, my sweet little girl asked me the following questions: 1. How does a baby get inside your belly? 2. What is the part at the hospital for? 3. What happens if you get a baby in your belly and you do not want one? Sweet Jesus! Can we please go back to talking about Santa? When was the last time you tried to explain sex to someone? Not made a rude locker room joke to your buddies, but actually explain the mechanics of it all. I mean the sperm and egg thing, that's fine, that's easy. But the rest of it...

Ever since I learned how to form sentences, I wanted to be a writer. Somewhere in the back of my closet, there is a box full of old notebooks, journals where I recorded every aspect of my life from elementary school through college. There are hand written and meticulously illustrated stories about little girl gymnasts and bratty brothers, detailed accounts of playdates ("Today I played with Maud. We ate cookies."), and the ever fascinating topic of grade school boys. ( "Marty Coltraine, 5th grade.....swoon.") Even now, as an adult, and the proud owner of my own successful business, I still kind of want to "be a writer when I grow up."  Thankfully one can always "be a writer". Sitting here in my living room, with my cup of coffee and my laptop, I am a writer. Even if only 5 of you read this. Last night Maya and I watched "Harriet the Spy." So of course, after it was over, Maya wanted to write in her notebook. Just like Harriet. S...

So imagine you are with your partner. And for about seven minutes or so he just moves you around, climbs on top of you, flips you over and basically just does his thing, without any thought for your needs, other than to occasionally ask you if you are ok. At no point does he let you take control or get on top, or do anything that would benefit you in any way. And then, after the 7 minutes, he thanks you for your time and moves on. Sounds pretty awful doesn't it? Like  a very insensitive partner.  Don't worry, I am not talking about my sex life. This is a jiu-jitsu story. So get your minds out of the gutter, you perverts! The other day I had a really frustrating round with another blue belt. He is actually a really nice guy (ie: not a selfish jerk), but he is one of those grapplers who seems to only have one gear. You know the type; all speed and aggression, very little finesse. I am pretty sure he was not even aware that he was doing anything wrong. In fact at one point ...

I wasn't going to do this. Honestly, I wasn't. After all, it is Valentines Day, the day of candy and flowers. But as I had nothing much to do yesterday but "dick around on the Internet", I have now seen far too many Facebook posts. So I'm going there. Hey New York, shut the hell up! I agree, snow is a pain. I too have been fighting depression and cabin fever all month, and actually danced a little jig when I saw the bright shining orb in the sky this morning. So if you had to trudge your way to work at 9am yesterday I feel for you. Honestly. But the whole schools thing? Enough already! True, my child's school is two blocks away. So taking her there was no biggie. If we had to commute farther I would have...wait for it.... kept her ass home ! Its called making a choice. I do not need the school chancellor to do it for me.  As for the teachers who had to go in, I say reward them by allowing them to scrap the stupid core standards for the day and lettin...

Its that time of year again, people! And no I don't mean "panic and buy the last chocolate heart you see on the shelf on your way home from work" day. Nor do I mean "fantasize about the sand in Aruba while once again digging your car out of the ice" day. (Although it is that day too.) No, I mean that completely arbitrary holiday known to all school-aged children as the 100th day of School!! I am not sure who first came up with this idea. Perhaps it was some overachieving preschool teacher? Well lets see, I already have to celebrate 25 kids birthdays. And then there is Halloween and Chinese New Year and Valentines Day and Easter and St. Patricks Day and the completely secular and non-offensive"Winter Festival". Not to mention that end of year extravaganza, the "Moving On" ceremony, otherwise known as graduation or more accurately, we are 5 now. But I am superteacher! I need one more special day to make my year complete, one that also magical...