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You Would Think I Was Deathly Ill.

If you are a good, responsible human being who cares about his or her health you probably have annual checkups.  If you, like me, are also a female, you probably have two annuals, one at your PCP and another one at the "lady parts doctor" where you happily wait in a room for over an hour to be poked and prodded in your hoo-ha. If you are really on the ball, you may even go for regular dental cleanings or vision screenings. And, if you are like me and may have to change health insurance at some time in the near future, it might occur to you to go ahead and have every part of your body checked now, just in case.

So here we are in April, month of the waiting room. (Can I get a blue ribbon to wear or something?) So far this month I have been to my PCP and my OBGYN once, and the eye doctor twice. I am seeing a GI specialist at the end of the month and having my teeth cleaned on May 1st. Oh, and my daughter is seeing an orthopedist next week (an annual follow-up due to the whole toe walking issue) and having her own dental checkup in May. As is my husband. I don't half ass things, I do them all the way, baby! I am sure my insurance company is loving me right about now. (Hey it could be worse. I could be pregnant!)

(Brief sidebar: While at the lady parts doctor this morning, the nurse asked me if I wanted the STD blood workup. I declined. After explaining that I was happily married and had been with the same man sexually for over 15 years, she then proceeded to tell me the story of her friend who had recently died of AIDS (!) Apparently she got tested while pregnant, and after discovering that she was surprisingly HIV+, learned that her husband had been cheating on her for years. What in the world am I supposed to say to this?? I'm so so sorry about your friend! Yes, please test me for EVERYTHING. Damn that cheating bastard!)

Did I mention that we are all perfectly healthy? Well we are. I have high eye pressure (don't ask) and occasional digestive issues, my husband's back sometimes acts up, and my daughter walks like Mikhail Baryshnikov, but yes, we are healthy.  Just very conscientious  (Read: hypochondriac who spends too much time on Web MD.)

(Another brief sidebar: Yes the only ballet dancer I could think of is circa 1975 and reruns of Sex and the City. I am not up on more current ballerinas. Sorry, too busy.)

Unfortunately for my jiu-jitsu development, it is hard to keep a consistent training schedule when you are always in a waiting room. Notice, I did not say a doctor's office. Actually the time I have spent being examined by an actual doctor is minimal. But I have lost hours of my life reading old People magazines and dodging germs from aggressively coughing patients. We should all wait for our appointments enclosed in little plastic bubbles. Really. There is not enough Purell in the world. And why do doctors schedule 9:45 appointments when they do not come in to the office until 10:00? Is it just to boost their egos? (Look at all those patients just sitting there waiting for ME! Just think, while I was on line at Starbucks, they were HERE, waiting! I must be the best doctor in Brooklyn!)

This month in BJJ we are doing spider guard.

Photo courtesy of

I have never learned it before and I am not sure yet what to think. I know a lot of female BJJ players love it but I have relatively short legs and even shorter arms so it feels kind of awkward. Also, I must have been doing it wrong last week because I woke up the day after class with a giant knot in my neck, sore abs, and both shoulders killing me. Or maybe I am just getting old. Perhaps a visit to the chiropractor would help?

On a positive note, I have noticed more thinking going on lately while rolling. It used to be that I could only handle one thing at a time. So I am in guard and I am thinking about doing a sweep. Or I am in her guard and  trying to pass. That's all. But lately I have started seeing more things, possible combinations of skills, moments where something is open, mistakes that can be taken advantage of. Of course, I can't really do anything with this information yet, but having it is pretty cool.

Or at least it would be cool if I could actually get myself to class!
Oh well, there's always next week.
It's a lifelong journey after all.

Here is a big f-ing spider! Happy Wednesday!


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