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Namaste

For the past two days I have been feeling sick; an obvious side effect of spending so much time getting breathed on by small, germy children. This morning I was feeling much better, but not well enough for BJJ, so I decided to go to a yoga class instead. Turns out I was not quite well enough because about halfway through class my body was like, "Hey you, sick girl, you are kind of tired, this feels kind of yucky actually. How about you spend some time in child's pose instead."

As a lifelong athlete I am really, really good at getting messages from my body. I am less skilled, however, at actually following them.

This was not a difficult yoga class. But for me, today, it was impossible. My brain really did not like that. As I sat there with my eyes closed, breathing, the ever helpful voice in my head was saying things like "Everyone must think I am so weak. The teacher must think there is really something wrong with me. I should push through anyway. This is pathetic." And so on.

Just to be perfectly clear, I KNOW I AM SICK! My head hurts, my body feels achy and I used the bathroom far more times yesterday than any human should. So I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for why yoga is harder than normal today and MY BRAIN STILL CANNOT ACCEPT IT!!

Super helpful, right?

It took awhile but eventually I gave up. I stopped fighting and allowed myself to just sit there stretching quietly while the rest of the room went on and lunging and twisting and downward facing dogging.

Actually they didn't all do that. There were at least three other people who were also resting. At one point one lady lay down and put her feet against the wall and stayed there for at least 10 minutes. And no, I didn't judge them harshly. I assumed they had a reason and silently applauded them for coming to yoga today anyway.

(I am really good at having compassion for people who aren't me.)

Here is what I learned at yoga today:
I am still sick.
I am really good at pushing through stuff but really terrible at resting.
There is something very humbling and almost beautiful in that moment when you realize that your body cannot do any more right now and you have to sit down.
Sometimes training means working with exactly what you have to work with that day. And sometimes it means hardly working at all.
Weakness is hard for me. Even temporary, obvious weakness.

It is very, very good for me to have this struggle.

I'm wrapped in a blanket now. Super cozy!
Namaste.



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