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Tired

Like many of you, I have spent the past 3 days reading articles, blogs and Facebook posts. I have read, and shared, so many. Us writers, we often process things with our words so I know I have to put something here. Yet every time I sit down in front of my computer I just stare at the screen. Then I type something, erase it, type something else, erase it. 

I am just so very tired.

Like most of you, I was up until 4am Tuesday night. But that is not the problem. Last night I got a solid 9 hours of sleep, woke up this morning, had a full cup of strong coffee, and yet I still feel exhausted. 

I don't really know what to say.

To those of you who voted for Trump, I get it. I don't think you are all racists and misogynists. Really I don't. I get that he spoke to many of you, promised you things that Hillary did not. I get that many of you just want change. But still, I am worried. I want to believe that things will be ok. And the truth is, for me and my family they probably will be. I live in NYC. I am white. I am straight. I have many years of martial arts training. (Go ahead just try to grab my pussy!) But I am worried for my friends who aren't these things. I am worried that Trump's victory will empower those who want to hurt them. I am worried about our safety and about our planet's safety. I get that I am lucky to get to worry about these things. But here we are.

I want to do something. I do. But protesting in the streets does not feel right. Signing a petition to urge the Electoral College to vote for Hillary on December 19th doesn't feel right. Moving to Canada does not feel right. Its really cold there.

I am just so tired.

I want to believe that Trump really won't do all the terrible things that he says he will. That if he tries, the system of checks and balances that we have in place will stop him. That he will actually create more jobs and make us safer. It is hard to believe these things but I want to.

I can't read any more articles or Facebook posts. I am not going to sign your petition, or show up for your protests. I am sorry if that offends you. You can call me whatever names you need to, it is ok. I get it. 

Here is what I am going to do. I am going to keep training. I am going to keep mom-ing. I am going to keep teaching karate to children, all children, anyone who wants to sign up is in. That is where my powers lie. To help kids feel powerful, valuable, capable. I am going to unlock the doors to the dojo every day and be thankful that I can. That hopefully we have created a place that helps.  A place where people feel safe. Where they feel empowered. Where they can grow. 

A place where love trumps hate. And hard work and sweat trumps everything.

Its Friday night. I will be in sparring class.
You are all welcome there. 

I am going to feel the weight of my bare feet on the floor, the rush of the wind in my hair, the joy of my heart racing, the sweat on my neck. I am going to breathe deep, be in the world and be thankful. You can call me whatever names you need to, it is ok. I get it. I understand that I am privileged to be able to do this. 

I am sorry if it isn't enough. 
It is all I have right now. 
I can't be angry anymore. 
I am just too tired.

I love you. 
Come to class tonight, ok? I will be there.


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